Friday, March 4, 2016

Closer Than Ever Before

In a heart breaking and infuriating way, I know this story isn't unique. Women everywhere have similar feelings and stories to mine. But I need to start changing my narrative.


I remember being about 9 years old when I was first aware that I might not like my body. I got teased by some boys in my class who poked my arm and laughed as they said, "Look how it jiggles!" I went to my teacher crying and he told the boys, "We never make fun of someone for being fat." He glanced at my face and hastily added on, "Especially when it's not a problem!" I knew what he was thinking, that I really was fat. I grappled with my body image and cried to my mom about it as the doubt crept in. And my body also changed a lot throughout puberty. At 13 my best friend told me I had the perfect body and I knew it was the ultimate compliment. My weight fluctuated throughout high school and I started my first diet at 15. Through watching others, I knew that the positive feedback from losing weight was always desirable. My high school boyfriend once told me that "his friends" said I was fat, whatever the hell he actually meant by that. By the time I was 18, I knew for sure. I was definitely supposed to hate my body and I certainly needed to change it.

During my freshman year of college I experienced the high of exerting extreme control over what I ate and seeing the steady results of doing so. I was fixated on that feeling but despite dropping 35 pounds, my feelings about my appearance never changed. It could always be better and it was always bad.

Not surprisingly, the restriction didn't last and would swing toward binging. With the privacy of living away from home, I could keep any guilt and shame I had around food to myself. I've been enduring 7 years of a pendulum of restriction and falling off the wagon, losing and gaining, and constant self loathing. The only affection I had for myself was in successful restriction and regimentation. But the greatest product of it all was exhaustion. 

I'm so tired. I'm tired of diets. I'm so tired of losing weight. I'm so tired of gaining it back. And I'm just so tired of hating my body. So I'm done. I'm so done. When I wrote out at the beginning that I was 9 years old when this feeling began, I realized that this bullshit has been going on for 19 years. Outside of the relationships with my family, it's been the most consistent and longest term force in my life. What the fuck?

Whole 30 was my last attempt at restriction, even though it was different, in that I didn't count calories. It was another effort in controlling my weight and appearance. Of course, I swung back afterwards. But it taught me a lot about how food made me feel and how I should feel when and after eating. It helped me transition from a focus on calories to a focus on nutrition. While I eat predominantly paleo now, I won't even do a round of Whole 30 again. I'm not going to do another fucking diet. I'm not going to fall off the wagon again because there is no stupid wagon. Maybe I'll gain weight. Maybe not. I'm too tired to care anymore. Maybe it's unhealthy, uncomfortable, and difficult in our to be overweight. But it's also definitely unhealthy, uncomfortable, and extremely difficult to be perpetually self-loathing. 

I know that I need to love myself and it can't be conditional. I'm still not sure how to do that but I'm a hell of a lot closer than I've ever been before.



  1. You know, I've kind of come up with this theory that our bodies know what size/shape they are meant to be and will naturally be that way. So as long as we don't abuse it, by eating junk food, being lazy, e.t.c., and we keep ourselves healthy, then there is no reason to diet. Idk if that makes sense.. but like I've realized that whenever I'm not dieting my body always goes back to this same weight range and finally I was just like alright, this is probably how it's meant to be and how my body works best.

  2. oh hun. first, i am here if you ever need to chat!
    i also want to say that i can relate. for me, it was about 11 instead of 9, but either way damn too young. i was always really skinny, and i know some people say that it makes me lucky or i don't understand, but i have had the teasing and poking and people calling me fat when i wasn't. people constantly thought they could comment on my body and it made me doubt my own thoughts or feelings, because obviously i must have been fat if people were calling me that, right? my mum got me into modelling and they told me i needed to lose 15kg which is like over 30lbs, and i was already a stick. my mum pulled me out and never let me do it again, but the damage had been done. for over 15 years i hated myself and my body. restricted, binged, purged. i tried. i really did. but like you, i am tired. i am sick of it. i am sick of hating myself and what i see in the mirror, or on the scale. i am not 100% better, i never will be, but i'm like 95% and that's pretty damn good to me. so please believe me when i say you will absolutely get there. depending on what your issues are, start small. for me, i started with not verbalising my thoughts when i looked in the mirror. i still thought them, but i didn't say anything out loud. i also stopped saying it to other people. i tried to say i am not happy or comfortable with where i'm at, but i didn't say fat or hate. once i had kind of tricked myself that way, i worked on my thoughts. i told myself to shut up, or i forced myself to think positive things. i know this sounds all hokey and lame and blah blah but it really did help. i promise you i understand and i promise you that you will 100% get there. honest, if you ever need to chat, send me an email or whatever! sorry for the ramble and if you think i am a crazy person, i just wish someone had said the same to me because i never thought i'd NOT hate myself you know?