Closer Than Ever Before

In a heart breaking and infuriating way, I know this story isn't unique. Women everywhere have similar feelings and stories to mine. But I need to start changing my narrative.

via

I remember being about 9 years old when I was first aware that I might not like my body. I got teased by some boys in my class who poked my arm and laughed as they said, "Look how it jiggles!" I went to my teacher crying and he told the boys, "We never make fun of someone for being fat." He glanced at my face and hastily added on, "Especially when it's not a problem!" I knew what he was thinking, that I really was fat. I grappled with my body image and cried to my mom about it as the doubt crept in. And my body also changed a lot throughout puberty. At 13 my best friend told me I had the perfect body and I knew it was the ultimate compliment. My weight fluctuated throughout high school and I started my first diet at 15. Through watching others, I knew that the positive feedback from losing weight was always desirable. My high school boyfriend once told me that "his friends" said I was fat, whatever the hell he actually meant by that. By the time I was 18, I knew for sure. I was definitely supposed to hate my body and I certainly needed to change it.

During my freshman year of college I experienced the high of exerting extreme control over what I ate and seeing the steady results of doing so. I was fixated on that feeling but despite dropping 35 pounds, my feelings about my appearance never changed. It could always be better and it was always bad.

Not surprisingly, the restriction didn't last and would swing toward binging. With the privacy of living away from home, I could keep any guilt and shame I had around food to myself. I've been enduring 7 years of a pendulum of restriction and falling off the wagon, losing and gaining, and constant self loathing. The only affection I had for myself was in successful restriction and regimentation. But the greatest product of it all was exhaustion. 

I'm so tired. I'm tired of diets. I'm so tired of losing weight. I'm so tired of gaining it back. And I'm just so tired of hating my body. So I'm done. I'm so done. When I wrote out at the beginning that I was 9 years old when this feeling began, I realized that this bullshit has been going on for 19 years. Outside of the relationships with my family, it's been the most consistent and longest term force in my life. What the fuck?

Whole 30 was my last attempt at restriction, even though it was different, in that I didn't count calories. It was another effort in controlling my weight and appearance. Of course, I swung back afterwards. But it taught me a lot about how food made me feel and how I should feel when and after eating. It helped me transition from a focus on calories to a focus on nutrition. While I eat predominantly paleo now, I won't even do a round of Whole 30 again. I'm not going to do another fucking diet. I'm not going to fall off the wagon again because there is no stupid wagon. Maybe I'll gain weight. Maybe not. I'm too tired to care anymore. Maybe it's unhealthy, uncomfortable, and difficult in our to be overweight. But it's also definitely unhealthy, uncomfortable, and extremely difficult to be perpetually self-loathing. 

I know that I need to love myself and it can't be conditional. I'm still not sure how to do that but I'm a hell of a lot closer than I've ever been before.

via

What's New: March

READING: Just finished How to Be Single by Liz Tuccillo for my book club. I'm planning to write a review soon.

Our next book is The Japanese Lover by Isabel Allende.

LISTENING: I'm in a CD Club at work. It's about 10 of us and each month we make a mixed CD for the whole group and meet up for happy hour to distribute them. It's a fun way to get a new variety of music every month. Good to Be Alive by Andy Grammer has been my favorite song lately.

WATCHING: The Walking Dead. This is always my number one recommended show for people. It's so much more than a zombie show.

source

EATING: On Sunday I went for brunch with my friend Abby at Betty Danger's Country Club which is this hilarious restaurant, themed as a Tex Mex Country Club, complete with a mini golf course and a ferris wheel.

Plaid Morning Hash

Morning Margarita

DRINKING: My dad bought tickets for Cody and I to go to Winterfest, a Craft Brewer's Guild event with over 100 breweries. It was an incredible event in a train depot in St. Paul and Cody was practically manic with excitement over all of the beers to try.

Also, my favorite new boxed wine. Bota Box Nighthawk.

WORKING: March is such a ridiculously crazy and busy month at our school. However, memes do make me feel better about it.

Somehow I've found myself on Budget and Facilities committees that meet late into the night. 

Today and tomorrow are also 12 hour days of parent/teacher conferences.

Aaaaaaand to top it all off, it's testing season, which always makes me want to cry a little bit.

ENJOYING: Last Friday we went to a UofM Gopher Hockey game with my sister and her boyfriend. The Gophers won in overtime and my sister ate a bowl of ice cream bigger than her head. Good times.

Yes, we used a selfie stick 

Chucklehead

WISHING: Lusting after new cameras but am totally clueless. Recommendations?

PLANNING: A weekend to Duluth this weekend with some friends! It's about 2.5 hours from the Twin Cities on the shore of Lake Superior. We got an AirBnb and we'll visit breweries great restaurants. 

source

Linking up with Kristen and Gretchen

Monday Thoughts

I'm linking up with Meg for the first time for Mingle Monday!

This isn't really a typical post for me and it's actually something I just saw that someone posted on Facebook. It really struck a chord with me. Sometimes it feels so hard to be a woman but this is a nice reminder of all the amazing parts :)

When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day...
An angel came by and asked, "Why spend so much time on her?"
The Lord answered, "Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?"
She must function in all kinds of situations, 
She must be able to embrace several children at the same time,
Have a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart,
She must do all this with only two hands,
She cures herself when sick and can work eighteen hours a day.

The angel was impressed, "Just two hands? Impossible!"
"And this is the standard model?"

The angel came closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," said the Lord.
"But I have made her strong. You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome."

"Can she think?" the angel asked.
The Lord answered, "Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate."

The angel touched her cheeks.
"Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her."
"She is not leaking. It is a tear," the lord corrected the angel.

"What's it for?" asked the angel.
The Lord said, "Tears are her way of expressing her grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering, and her pride."

This made a big impression on the angel. "Lord, you are a genius. You thought of everything. A woman is marvelous."

Lord said, "Indeed she is. She has strength that amazes a man. She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens. She holds happiness, love and opinions. She smiles when she feels like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying, cries when happy and laughs when afraid. She fights for what she believes in. Her love is unconditional. Her heart is broken when a next-of-kin or a friend dies but she finds strength to get on with life."

The angel asked, "So she is a perfect being?"
The Lord replied, "No she has but one flaw. She forgets what she is worth."

I searched around and can't figure out who to attribute this to. Does anyone know where it came from?

Five Things that Happened on Friday 2/19

You ever have one of those mornings??

1. Because we live right by a college, there are always tons of people parking on our street. The night before the parking was particularly bad and I'd had to park a whole block away. Of course, when I walked out the door I had no recollection of where my car was.

via

2. Once my brain un-fogged, I shlepped my crap over to my car, set my coffee on top of the car aaaaaaaand, you guessed it! Coffee slipped and spilled evvvvvvverywhere. It literally painted my white car, splattered my leather boots, and soaked my sleeve.

 

via

3. I pulled the car around in front of our place and scrambled back inside to change my coat. But not before stepping on the cat!

via

4. Somehow, I still managed to get to work on time!

via

5. But as soon as I dumped my stuff and was ready to tear into a meeting I realized my computer was on 4% battery.

via

Aaaaaaaaand my charger was still at home.

via

Here's to the weekend!

 

via

Linking up here and here!

Favorite Paleo Websites

I love to cook but never very rarely come up with my own recipes. Since going mostly paleo, I know that I can just read the ingredients for a food or recipe and discern if it is paleo, but I just don't feel like taking that extra step. My most common Google search is: "Is __________ paleo/Whole 30?" I just want someone else to tell me. So when cooking paleo, I just want a recipe that I already know is within the guidelines. These are my favorites:

1. PaleOMG by Juli Bauer

Juli is hilarious and gorgeous but what makes her site my favorite is that her recipes got me excited about cooking again. When I was about 6 months into Whole 30/Paleo I was plugging meat + veggie over and over again into my meal plan and it was alright but her recipes are SO excited, not to mention delicious.

Almost 5 Ingredient Pizza Spaghetti Pie
This recipe is amazing. It's so easy and tastes incredible. You can make a ton of variations.

Loaded Stuffed Twice Baked Sweet Potatoes
These reheat really well for lunches and were great to get me away from eating salads every day.

Breakfast Meatza

I was in a rut of eating the same thing for breakfast every day, too and this was a welcome variation.

2. Stupid Easy Paleo by Steph Gaudreau

Steph is super knowledgeable about food and nutrition and also has a great podcast that I listen to from time to time. While PaleOMG got me excited about cooking again, Stupid Easy Paleo got me started initially. As the title states, her recipes truly are stupid easy. She also helped me realize that paleo can be so simple. I was looking at her Instagram one day and saw that her dinner was ground beef, chopped onion and zucchini, and red sauce and I practically smacked my forehead, like "duh, it's easy."

Paleo Zucchini Fritters

Smoky Bacon Wrapped Chicken Thighs
So easy!

3. Lexi's Clean Kitchen by Lexi

I actually found her site and made her recipes before I went paleo and her philosophy is similar to mine. While she's not technically 100% paleo, she avoids all grains, dairy, soy, corn, and refined sugar. Basically, I figure what else should I call it? She has really creative recipes that can also be super easy to make.

Avocado BLT Egg Salad
You can make this in like 5 minutes

Thai Meatballs

A super flavorful take on meatballs

Paleo Loaded Nachos

One of my favorite paleo treats

4. Whole 30

Of course, where it all began. There are some recipes on here that are a great starting point though that's not the main focus of the site. However, most of my "Is _______ Whole 30?" searches lead back to this site so it's a great resource.

In general, I kind of like meal planning. I also regularly use Pinterest and Instagram to find recipes to try. But if I ever get a lot busier, I've wondered if eMeals' paleo plan would be tasty and convenient. Has anyone ever tried it? Does anyone else have any great recipes/websites they love?

Wanderlust Wednesday: Ireland

We leave August 5th for Ireland and to say there has been a lot of anticipation for this trip is a huge understatement. When I met Cody he was planning a trip to Ireland but was unfortunately laid off and had to cancel his plans. That was over three years ago. Not only that, but we started discussing this trip in August of 2015 and actually booked the flight in December. So we will definitely be excited by the time it comes! We are taking the trip with my parents, my sister, and her boyfriend. My parents, Cody and I will stay in Ireland two full weeks but Amy and her boyfriend will go to Iceland after the first week.

Cody will probably find this post funny because I have been so entirely uninvolved with planning this trip. In fact, I had to scour some emails to figure out where the heck we are even going.

We have 14 nights total. Here are our stops:

1. Dublin - 3 Nights

My sister and I are going to run the Rock N Roll Half Marathon here.

source

Otherwise, we know we want to get to the Guinness brewery and the Jameson Distillery.

source

source

2. Galway - 2 Nights

source

3. Portmagee - 2 Nights

source

4. Limerick - 1 Night

Castle Mews

5. Cork - 2 Nights

Blarney Castle

6. ? - 3 Nights

We don't really know yet where we're headed after Cork. We are probably going to split up from my parents who are going to spend a few nights in Kinsale. We will take the car and drive around. Maybe we'll stay in a nice cottage out in the middle of nowhere. We'll see!

7. Back to Dublin - 1 Night

We fly out of Dublin early in the morning so we'll spend one last night there so we can get there easily.

source

Has anyone else been to Ireland? I'd love suggestions about your favorite things to do!


Linking up for the first time with Emily, Kerri, and Kate!

28 Things about Cody

His name is Cody James.
He works in politics.
He is starting a new job in government affairs on Monday.
He grew up in Wisconsin but has never been a Packers fan.
He loves the Vikings, Twins, and Wild, as well as Gopher sports.
He has also never liked cheese.
He loves pizza. He loves pizza so much.
He can make tater tot hot dish and tacos.
He bites his nails.
He loves our cat Quinn more than our other cat Bruce.
His favorite TV shows are The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones.
He eats extremely quickly.
He makes me laugh every single day.
He has a scar across the bottom of his chin from falling off his bike as a child.
He cried more than me on our wedding day and wasn't at all embarrassed about it.
He is the best at planning dates and vacations.
He has two younger sisters but has the personality of an only child since he was one until he was 14.
He makes the bed every day, only because I like it.
He loves Star Wars.
He works part time at a local brewery.
He is pursuing becoming a cicerone (beer expert).
He drives a Ford F-150.
He's overly competitive while playing board games.
He is the most accommodating husband.
He is a master of the internet.
His number one travel destination is Ireland and we're going there in August.
He's my favorite person in the whole world.
Today he is 28.

Happy Birthday my sweet Cody!